"According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other half."

interesting to say the least...
so that makes me wonder; am i searching too hard or not hard enough?

i've come to feel like i put much more effort into a relationship than what it feels like it is worth in the end. but maybe i got that all wrong. maybe my lack of effort caused its' dreadful demise? i suppose it could go both ways.

looking back at my relationship with wicki, maybe i didn't put enough effort in... the entire time i was complaining about him never calling me when in all reality i never really did call him. i had this funny thing in my head that made me feel like i didn't want to call him all the time because i didn't want to seem nor become emotionally dependent on him. i guess i got my wish.

what freaks me out is that every guy i seem to date, it seems as if i met him a long time before that point. i seemed to meet him and nothing became of it because one of us was in a relationship. then a year down the road we meet up again. it works out for a season and i wonder why i had passed up the opportunity for so long and then it goes sour.

jio told me once that if you think something is going to happen for so long then it eventually will. does that mean i subconsciously wanted things to end with wicki? or does that mean my obsessive desire for a word pushed him away?

i feel almost that this is better how it is though. with wicki just as my friend there is no longer stress on the relationship. at this point things will either fall together or fall apart. we get along well and i very much enjoy his company so it's good to have a no drama kind of friend around. i just need to keep my head straight.

LOVELOVELOVE

i woke up in a good mood which is very surprising. i even woke up in the AM. it's pretty much a blizzard outside; schools were off, the whole deal. outback had to clean off all the cars at work [there's a lot] and so i got the bright idea to bring him cookies at work. of course i didn't have any of the supplies to succeed in this so i venture out in the great white unknown to the store. while i'm there i figure fuck baking from scratch and buy the premade stuff where all you do is bake them. haha. i was going to play them off as something that i made from scratch but i didn't bother in the end. it was pushing it too much to say i woke up in the AM with enough time to do all that. that stretching a bit much.

i shove these things in the oven and i'm so domestically illiterate that i can't even figure out when these things are done despite the baking time they say on the package that i threw away. so there's four seconds left on the oven literally, and then you hear the vultures raging down the steps [aka my brothers]. they are instantly hovering. i'm about to flip out but before i do i calmly tell them that i bought them their own package of premade cookies; all they have to do is bake them. therefor they can't have any of mine. the one vulture is still hovering. he's thinking that if he annoys me long enough that i'll just throw one at him. close, but no cigar yet. instead i just start flipping out for him to get the hell away from me and end up telling him that if he was two inches taller then i would punch him. i get these cookies out the door while managing to only lose about six or so of them. the path out the door i get called a fashion victim. first off, it was cold outside so i had on my zebra galoshes, leg warmers over my skinny jeans and a turtle neck. i don't understand. my ma tries to comfort me by saying "nothing is wrong with having your own style..." thanks.

i make it to outback's office. he's been frustrated all week about making this deadline. i walk in the door and he just says hi and goes right back to paying attention to his laptop. i dump the cookies on the desk. he says thank you. i sit down and start staring him down while making up scenarios in my head. i found that i have become completely obsessed/paranoid with the possibility of outback cheating on me. he finally notices me glaring at him and asks what's up. i ask him what he's done. he has no clue what i'm talking about. he stands up to give me a hug and i say "you did something wrong yesterday while i was at work, didn't you? what did you do?" he's looking at me like i'm a psycho. i'm still glaring. he asks what i'm talking about and i tell him that he's being weird and i could just tell. really i have nothing to back up this accusation. all i have is that he didn't get up the second i walked in the door and when i called him past midnight last night and woke him up to tell him i was out of work, he was too tired to talk. he tells me he has no clue what i'm talking about and tells me how he's really stressed out and asks if i just want to go to lunch. fine. once we make it there cola is blowing up my phone asking if i could take her to work. i start bitching about this like it's a big deal.[this is what my drama has turned into, me bitching about an extra five minutes.] outback starts getting frustrated with talk about cola since he doesn't care for her very much and tells me that if i hate her/doing stuff for her so much then to just do something about it instead of just bitching and not saying anything to her about it. let me say this, i just recently got my bc changed and i'm thinking it's not right for me because i've been a little bipolar. after i hear his comment i take offense to it for some reason and don't say anything for the rest of the ride. we get back to his work and he says "okay... i was going to say we could've hung out at my house for a second but whatever." i freak out and say how he told me to just take him back to work and start crying. why i was crying, i have no clue. i make a mess of my face and eventually everything is just fine and i go home because i have to get ready for work.

on the drive back i talk to baby steve. we're talking about nothing in particular. mainly about my trip to philly and the good beers they had. he asks how everything was going with outback and i tell him it's going really good. then i have a bipolar moment. since i'm stupid and a psycho, i tell him midcry that i feel like i'm incapable of making outback happy. five minutes ago i was saying how great everything was. now what am i doing? so baby steve asks why i feel this way. i almost start crying and tell him i don't know, i'm just being a psycho. he laughs and i start to say something but stop. he asks what i said and i tell him that i was going to say something but i stopped. he tells me that he thinks he knows what i was going to say. since i know him so well, i tell him that i know what he's thinking but that's not what i was going to say. he's thinking that i was going to ask how things were going with the tramp that he's dating. um, i don't care. so no. he says instead [i'm about to cry from me saying that i don't make outback happy] "you know i'm dating the tramp, right?" [of course he doesn't call her the tramp but i refuse to speak her name still.] the midtears instantly dry up and without a sniffle i say "yeah i've known that for a long time. i wasn't going to ask you about that at all. i was going to say that i feel like i'm incapable of making outback happy because i feel like i never made you happy. i knew you'd be way off." he just says oh. dumbass. in my mind that tramp doesn't exist  and baby's steve dick is rotting off for some unknown reason. he then tells me that i always make him happy when i'm with him. pfft. he says how we've had so many good times together that that's why we're such good friends and why we're talking on the phone and how he was really happy about that. ha. he tells me "you know we have the best memories." i say "we have some pretty shitty ones too." he sighs and says how he doesn't like to think of those. i tell him it's a little hard not to. he tells "you can't say that you would take back anything that we've done together." i laugh and say "yeah right. i think i could manage to think of a few." at that moment i realize how stupid it was that i was even talking to him let alone that i was upset for no reason about outback because there was absolutely nothing wrong between the two of us. i snap out of my little psycho depression and dreariness of the conversation dries up until i finally say "well i need to get ready for work" he tells me how it was really nice talking to me and i say yeah uh-huh and pretty much blow it off and he tells me not to be shy to call him. whatever. click. he seems to haven't changed a bit. i'm sure it's only a matter of time beore him and the tramp cheat on each other.

i get to work and cola and i start talking about going to see this how on the 13th. i say how i don't even want to go because there aren't any good DJs playing and i just don't care anymore. she tells me i should come to the show on the 14th. sir kutz is going to be there [like she even knows who that is or what he spins] and all these other DJs that i know. i tell her that the show is seven hours away and it's the day before outback's birthday and there's no way he's going to want to go to that and that's rude for me to waste the night before his birthday on something that i want to do. she tells me how his friend g [that's what we'll call him for now] is going and how we can stay with him because she's taking him and it'll be fun. then she goes on to say how baby steve is going and he's bringing the tramp. WHAT?! why the FUCK would i go ANYWHERE i knew she was going to be?! this town is NOT big enough for the two of us. i tell cola that if i saw her there we would have to brawl, west side story style. we'd have to have a dance off and i would have to humiliate her tremendously. laughoutloud. i tell cola it's not happening. cola tells me how i would make her look completely stupid because i'm better looking than her and so is my boyfriend compared to hers and i dance so much better. i tell her that all she probably knows how to do is the hula shake and that's only because someone can poke her and her fat will jiggle around. [i'm officially going to hell for these comments.] she tells me to run it by outback and talk him into it. i tell her it's not going to happen. she then starts painting the picture of what i could wear and completely gets me all fired up. i tell her i know exactly what she's doing and it's working and she's a troublemaker. i tell her that if i went there it would only be for us to troublemake and outback would see right through that.

i get out of work early and i smoothly run by the subject to outback.  he tells me that he wouldn't want to go all the way out there the day before his birthday but i'm more than welcome to if i want to go. nope. not an option. i tell him it's both of us or i'm not going. i guess that plan is shot but for the better. instead i think kevinE is going to be in town and outback and him could go out and have a drinkoff. that would be fun.

after getting all fired up while at work i'm completely hyperactive once i reach outback's house. he asks if i'm on crack. i just start laughing. i'm bouncing off the walls until we decide to go to dinner with his sister. i tell him i only want to go if we ride in the purple people eater. LOLOL! the purple people eater is what i call the demo car his work gave him this week. it's a mazda5 and it's purple. pretty much it looks like a van that is the size of a car but it still seats six people. hahaahhaaaa. it's so fruity. once we get to our destination, outback decides to show off a bit and starts doing broadies [or whatever you call them when you spin your car in the snow] and we get stuck. figures. outback and his brother-in-law have to get out to push. haha. his sister and i just drive away without them once it starts moving. she tells me they can walk. it was $2 pint night where we were and we ordered two a piece but after half of one i'm already buzzing. no good. by the time we're home, outback is drunk and not surprisingly i'm sober. we go upstairs to watch a movie and he passes out. figures. so i'm stuck to watch a movie by myself when i could have just done that at home and not bothered getting warm then cold again while i drive home. whatever. so after the movie my bipolar-ness sets in again and for some reason i'm upset. then we walk downstairs and i realize that one of my pins have fallen off my bag and now i'm even more upset. he doesn't realize what's wrong and on my way how i try not to cry [that's how psychotic i'm acting.] i wake up the next morning and realize it's really not that big of a deal and then see that's outback has blown up my phone while i was sleeping since he's gotten to work. once i return his call he apologizes for last night and says how he was just really tired from work and shovelling the driveway that that's why he fell asleep on me. and he tells me how he looked for my pin this morning and would look for it again when he got home. haha.

LOVELOVELOVE

i was forced to clean my room. i'm 24 years old and still being threatened to clean my room. i suppose it's a good idea. prove i am mature enough to clean after myself and live on my own so my dad will give me this house. i guess it's official that my sister won't be moving with with me. MY house. wow.

i woke up to a phone call today. i thought it was outback and to my surprise it was baby steve. i haven't talked to him in a minute. i can't remember when the last time was. it was weird at first. i said all these things how i didn't care if i never spoke to him again. i suppose that was a silly thing to say. althought we do have our differences, we do have our chemistry as friends. just a lot in common. it was easy to get back to conversation. like us not talking for two weeks never happened. i guess it helped me realize that we're still the same people. i was stressing so much how i changed into someone i didn't know. i want to say we're just different people but we're really not. different morals, yes but likes are the same. we're just on different maturity levels. like i have said before, if mike, baby steve and i all met when we were all 21/22, we would've been in trouble. baby steve made a mention how mike and i are the only other people who get excited about music like he does.

we were both cleaning while we were talking. i made mention of folding this shirt of his. he said he wants me to always have it. it was one of his favorite vintage tshirts. i used to always wear it when i stayed over. he told me he wants me to think of him when i put it on. hmmm. it flushes too many memories to my head. he said that we should hang out sometime soon. we probably shouldn't. i didn't say that though. i just said nothing at all.

"sometimes you go through relationships that don't work, but you want them to work because you're attached to that person. you love them, but you might not like them anymore. and they might love you but might not like you. you try to stay together but you end up being really nasty to each other and stabbing each other and not knowing when it started or when it ended and it being really confusing." 
                                                                                                                                                                                                    does this explain us?

but i didn't get upset at all while or after i talked to baby steve. that's good.

LOVELOVELOVE

horoscope: Emotions, prejudices, or unresolved issues from the past come up in your interactions with others now, and you may not be very objective. This is a good time to speak up and clear the air of any grievances you have been holding on to for some time. Personal subjects are the topic of discussion now. Reminiscing, remembering, daydreaming about and reflecting on the past is likely.

who comes up with this stuff? seriously.

so i've been feeling a little down and out lately; don't ask me why. i think i've just suddenly had a wave of woah maturity wash over me whereas a year ago or even six months ago i felt... wild. is this a good thing?

i told myself lately to cut the bad things out of my life. i truly believe it to be a good idea however, now i feel boring. maybe it's time to admit i was always [somewhat] a fan of the drama. it keeps things interesting; something to write about in my blog. maybe i just need to look for something fun to do. maybe i need something to look forward to. right now it's moving out... and philly. moving out is the mature thing. maybe i am just growing up because i find myself trying to plan ahead for things, especially moving out. it's depressing being old. lol.

at the current moment i should be cleaning my room. i've been saying this whole time how i feel so old but i'm still getting yelled at by my ma to clean my room. how sad. it's definitely time to move out. i told outback that i wouldn't see him today. i was being so debby [aka a downer] that he was probably thinking something was wrong. i had every intention of going straight home to clean my room after work. i was planning that would be around eight. i was wrong. i ended up getting out of work at one and outback seemed a little suspicious. once i got home i just wanted to eat so he told me to call him while i was cleaning. he wakes up for work at eight AM and it was about two AM when i called. i was thinking at first that he wasn't trusting where i was or something but in all reality he just wanted to talk some since we didn't really get a chance to do much of that earlier in the day. he was falling asleep the first time i called and thought by the second time he'd be more awake but he couldn't fight the sleep. so instead of him keeping me in line and repeatedly keeping my focus [on cleaning of course], he is sleeping and i am once again procrastinating and finding other things to do [such as writing in my blog] instead of the things i should be doing.

i've noticed i've neglected my blog some. okay, more like much. it's not like i've been boring, just too out of control and my time free was time to rest. partying and having a social life is a hard thing indeed.  now that i am once again one year older, i do feel as if i am maybe some wiser. i am currently teaching myself to truly not sweat the small stuff and things that shouldn't concern me. i've really moved on from all of that. i'm no longer stressing over what i can't change [not like i was really trying to change anything]. old age is teaching me to live my life and be happy in spite of whatever doubts i have or whatever might have happened. all of this makes me non-dramatic for the most part and therefore i feel boring. maybe that is the cause of my... what to call it? depression? well, no. not that extreme. i've been there and done that and it's definitely not at that level by any means. we'll call it my down-ness. i just feel average and plain jane-y and in my eyes those things are boring. i fear becoming boring. [stupid thing to fear, i know.]

i'm not going to lie, i find myself wondering [rarely] from tiem to time what baby steve is doing. i can't even explain this. it's not like i want to be with him; i've moved on to bigger and better things and i sincerely believe that. maybe he just always represented [and brought out] my wild side and there is a small part of me that misses that [the wild side of course]. but you can't stay in that path forever. it was borderline destructive in so many ways. back on subject... i was debating to myself today whether or not i should send him a birthday card. i guess i still am debating. but why should i celebrate something that for the most part did nothing but hurt me? i'm asking myself how i got so caught up. it wasn't my style. so how did it happen? it seems so silly and stupid now. i'm thinking maybe i was always too afraid to feel left out and that's why i stayed around. no. that's not entirely it. suddenly i don't want to talk about this anymore. it doesn't matter.

i haven't seen mike in a long time now. i've talked to him but that's not the same. he was in town today but of course i had to work.
i want to see if we're still the same people when we see each other.  i just feel so on the other side of the world compared to everyone i used to hang around. like i've crossed over to the other side or something. in all reality, i've just crossed over to outback's side. wow, it almost is the other side of the world.  his friends are all in relationships and everything feels so comfortable, almost settling. maybe i'm scared to feel that way even though i haven't yet. my old world was so up and down. it's like changing climates. i feel somewhat disoriented.

and i fear i no longer have anymore to say...

LOVELOVELOVE

 Love Horoscope
Sexual needs are just one of the life issues emphasized for you at this time. Sex, power, and money are all compelling aphrodisiacs. Learning what makes others tick turns you on. Your orientation at this time is about getting to the bottom of issues and starting over if you need to in your relationships. 

wow.

like always, i never tell things in order. half way through the night djb texted me and told me he missed me. WHAT?! mr. "i'm busy all weekend"? whatever. i didn't tell him i missed him back. why would i miss someone who yells at me and calls me a fucking bitch? i wouldn't. but i did text him back. why, i don't know. it definitely feels good to have a little fire back on my tongue and i think that's what he brings to the table. yeah i kind of was ripping our "relationship" [if you can call it that] apart but i wasn't doing anything to completely destroy it when it could have easily been done. i wonder about myself sometimes. maybe i am a masochist. i was so mad, why didn't i completely blow it apart? i'm really starting to think i like the chase. i'm no better than a guy. but i also really like when things are just easy.

come 10pm we're about to leave for this house party. we figure out that it's at this guy's house who cola was i guess talking to and then found out he had a girlfriend and then out of nowhere stopped talking to her. we were hoping we would see him but we didn't. turns out he doesn't live there anymore. maybe this is why bad things happen to me;  i instigate and i love just the little bit of drama. it's terrible sometimes and gets me into trouble more often than not.

i'm not really nervous about seeing db. in the back of my mind i'm figuring it's going to be like any other time we've gotten drunk together. it wasn't that far off. i am however nervous about seeing buggy. [for now we are calling the guy i met at lids buggy beause he pushes carts for his job.] i don't want him to think i'm using him for that job which in a way i kind of am. but i don't want to lead him on either. i'm all fucked up in my head and another guy is probably the last thing i need right now.

at one point i saw him. he's a total skater/surfer looking boy. i have no clue what the fuck he's wearing. AGAIN he has on a muscle shirt [where the side is all cut out] over top a long sleeve shirt. what does he has these things in every color? and he has shorts on and knee high socks. oh man. i pointed him out to cola and she said absolutely not. lol. i told her he obviously wasn't the best dresser but he's not bad looking and he definitely seems nice and not like a complete ass. [my gut told me that djb was going to be an asshole. maybe it's about time i start listening.] we never ended up going over to talk to him. we left to get some beer in us first and by the time we got back, he was gone. 

so db is looking for me pretty much the whole night. he kept coming back to me. for a second cola was talking to him and she ends up calling him good looking and i thought this would be another replay of the hotel party. i almost freaked in my head and then i stopped myself. maybe i stopped because i wasn't wearing my crazy jumpsuit or i finally realized i was just being flat out rediculous. that and db made no acknowledgement of her. that's the big difference right there between db and djb and even baby steve. db doesn't achnowledge anyone but me. but i'm pretty sure neither of us are looking to date the other so it wasn't like i was on cloud nine the whole night. 

at one point we walk away from cola because she's talking to some guy. that turns into he wants to lay down for a second in the van. oh geez. like i don't know where this is heading. i knew where it was heading before he even said anything about the van because he was testing the water all night. putting his hand on my back and testing where he could put it and whether or not i would resist or be uncomfortable. at one point he even asked if he was harrassing me. i just laughed. i guess that was me opening the door. we get in the van and while we're climbing in, all i can think of is how big of a fucking groupie i look like. i'm almost embarrassed. what the fuck am i going in this van anyway? we're talking a little bit and i'm trying not to talk about djb. i don't even know why i would talk about him. eventually DB goes in the back to lie down and he asks if i want to lay with him. i do but i'm thinking i'm a moron the whole time. i'm freaking out in my head because i know how he is so i already see where all this is leading. we get to the point where he is making the move to kiss me and out of curiousity i run with it. [i know, curiousity killed the cat.] i was wondering the whole night anyway if everything with him was as good as i always made it out to be. i remember how to kiss him which is surprising and he remembers stupid stuff like kissing me on the nose. i wasn't expecting that. here comes another problem, the whole time we're making out, i'm thinking how i have a panty liner on. all i can picture in my head is him reaching down my pants and his finger getting stuck on it, pulling it out on accident and it being stuck to him like guerrila glue; him grossed out and me embarrassed to the point where i want to die. all i could think of is how i couldn't let it get to that point. he's trying to undo my belt and i'm doing my best to stall. i'm out of ideas at this point. finally cola calls and i'm saved. i'm out of the situation and have time to figure this all out or get this diaper out of my pants. i attempt to do both. i come to the conclusion that i don't give a fuck and let in the next problem in my head how i didn't shave today. i shrug it off. not like i know how this is going to come about but im kind of figuring the opportunity will arise because it always does. 

i tell cola the wrong that i have done and she's going nuts because i made out with him and somehow now that he cut his hair, all my friends think he is the hottest guy on the planet. ha. people are so funny. i liked him BEFORE all that.  

DB's band goes on and they play two songs before the cops shut the party down. now what? turns out the party is done and the cops are sitting at the end of the street waiting for people to leave. great. the last thing i need is a dui. i know i'm not drunk but i would definitely blow over. so now what? we decide we're staying because i'm not risking a dui so all that's left to do now is drink our faces off.

we grab some blankets from db's van and go on a "nature walk" to find somewhere to crash. we find this secluded area and lay down a blanket. cola's out right away and i'm still chugging down a beer wondering how drunk it's going to leave me and whether or not i'm going to have to pee in the woods because of it or if this beer is going to make me throw up from my drunkenness. i shrug and chug it down anyway. so cola is out and db is ready for the continuation. ha. um, not in front of my friend! so it's time to move. we debate how we're going to sneak off. there's two blankets. one underneath us and one on top. so the question is how are we going to steal the top without cola waking up. db slides off the top blanket while i fold the bottom one over her. sly motherfuckers, that's right. so we're walking. i'm not about to do anything in front of anyone. it's one thing to do it in public and another thing entirely to do it in front of an audience. i'm not all about that just so soon. 

we're walking and walking and walking and walking and i'm thinking by the time we lay down the sun is already going to be up or cola is going to come looking for us and find us before anything actually happens. [turns out she said she slept like a baby all night. ha. funny.] we finally settle and here comes a car and the lights are shining right on us. ha. let's walk some more. we settle on this hill under a tree. he spreads the blanket and says "this is actually kind of romantic... the fireflies... the lake..." what else? you're about to tempt me to get naked on a golf course. i guess it was a bit romantic if you go for that shit but i don't. let's just get this over with.

i'm not about to go into dirty details because i'm not like that but i'm going to say this, i remembered it was big, but not that big. lol. it blows my mind i can't even wrap my hand all the way around it. a plus but still somewhat a problem. i'm half wondering what the fuck i'm doing during it and want to laugh at myself for actually being in the situation that i'm in. i spill to cola and she thinks it's completely awesome and we get a good laugh out of it. i guess that's the whole point. you have to enjoy life. it just comes down to that. shit happens and nothing really matters in the end because nothing is that big of a deal or anyone's business for that matter. i keep laughing. djb always said he had a fetish with doing it in public. well i just fulfilled that, just with the wrong person. oh my what has gotten into me lately?

it gets to the point that i know it's late and i actually feel bad for leaving my friend by herself while she's passed out. she told me she would've done the same thing. hahahaa. i would've let her too. hahahaaa. and she kept insisting the whole situation was awesome because it was with him and she's never done anything like that. hahaha. she told me she wants to see me marry him because he's amazing and i know it. he is but i'm not looking to get married. that makes me laugh thinking it was only the night before that she was saying how cute baby steve and i were together. it's so funny how she can say how amazing db is and it doesn't bother me. for some reason i freak and get jealous when it comes to djb and a lil when it comes to baby steve but no one else. i have reasons to not trust baby steve. no reason to not trust djb. i don't get it. 

i'm trying to pick my scattered clothes off the lawn and we're finding money and ids and whatnot all over. it's pitch black and i can't see shit. he asks if i have everything. yeah. wait, no. where the fuck is my lipstick?! next thing i know i'm crawling around trying to feel for a lipstick on the ground i can't even see because it's so dark. it's funny though how i could see him the whole time but after i can't see two feet in front of me. did i suddenly go blind? i think he was about to tell me to forget it but that wasn't about to happen! i'd look all night! i'm not fucking leaving that behind! i find it but turns out sometime in the night my gage fell out. cola was the one who noticed it in the morning. i tell her every time i sleep with him i lose one of my fucking gages. what does he do, eat them? and those were the nice ones too. that's great.

it's time to take the hike back to where ever the fuck i left cola. i'm totally drunk. db says he's going to find a smoke and tells me he'll meet me back at the blanket. ha. if i can fucking find it. i walk for what seems like ages and tell myself to keep following the edge of the lake and eventually i'll come to a dead end. i find cola and unwrap her and cover us both up with the other blanket. the one side is all dirty. i'm wondering how i'm going to explain this in the morning. i tell myself to worry about it then. 

it's not even late. it's like 3am i want to say. at this point i'm wide awake and desperately need to pee. this is great. where the fuck am i going to do this? i'm not a bush pee-er by any means but i tell myself i did it once that night so i can man up and do it again. but where? i figure she's passed out and tell myself there's no way i'm walking around again. besides, i'm pretty sure the people i'm going to have to walk past to get out of our little secluded area are doing it by now. i tell myself fuck it and just pee. half way through i'm wondering if the pee is going to run into the blanket. too late now. but fuck, i need to wipe. now what? my first reaction was to grab some leaves. i decide otherwise because i told myself knowing my luck i would grab some poison ivy and that would be a bigger mess than i could handle. last thing i need is to start my new job and everyone gets to know me as the crotch scratcher. 

i lie down. now what? cola is out cold. hmmm. i check my phone. get angry some more about how djb told me he missed me. i should've said "i don't miss you. piss off". well, maybe not. i don't know. i've gone through my phone and deleted all the texts that make me feel like a whore just in case db would look at my phone while i was sleeping which i know would never happen. then it occurs to me, his phone is right there. i'm not the girl to check phones [well actually i am because i've done it to baby steve and outback before. lol.] but i just wanted to see what's up. why not? i do. i don't know what i was looking for. i really didn't find anything. his ex is still texting him but that really didn't surprise me. he is probably still messing around with her just like how i am still messing around with baby steve. i don't even care at this point. then in comes a text. i was smart enough to keep checking to make sure he wasn't coming. this new text is starting me in the face. who is texting him this late? i wonder. i try to wake up cola. i want to have a partner in crime, share the guilt of being nosey. she won't wake up. i look at it anyway. it's nicole. that's djb's brother's girlfriend. all it says is "i really didn't do anything tonight." weird. i wonder if shit is still going on with her. he said how she had a really hard time with him breaking up with her. i want to ask but a) it's none of my business and b) what would it help if i knew? it would only make me feel like a part of the whore streak [which is really what he is] and it would eat me up to not tell djb. this is why bad things happen to me. i'm realizing now that i should've deleted the text. it's evidence i went through his phone. then again, i really don't care. he's never going to go through his phone and be like "i never read that text; she went through my phone!" if anything he would think he was too drunk last night to remember. but who really gives a fuck. 

he comes back and cuddles up next to me. this is fabulous because i'm freezing. when he lies down, he takes off his pants. what is he doing? i remember how he was never one to sleep in his jeans. for a hott second i'm wondering if in the morning cola is going to see his dick. i don't want another replay of when she saw baby steve's peeper. that never happens. it's wonderful how db never made me crazy about anything. yeah the band made me crazy but i didn't worry about him doing anything behind my back. maybe i was just stupid back then. probably. 

when i wake up, it's raining. why the fuck didn't we sleep in zoomee? wtf. i'm freezing. i'm like shaking to death freezing. db wants to move the blanket more under the tree and all i can think of is how my head is going to be in my piss all night then. great. good think cola is out and he thinks it's not worth waking her  up just to move it a couple feet closer to the tree where we'll probably get just about as wet as where we currently are. thank goodness we don't move it.

i think i woke up about twice and heard people fucking. wow. at least have some decency to keep quiet. db hears this and looks at it as a challenge or something. maybe if my friend wasn't three inches to the right of me.

we wake up and cola is saying how she's blazing. the sun is so hot. i tell her i need to bake for a little while to cure me of the hypothermia i caught last night. she's just laughing and saying how she hasn't slept that well in a long time. ha. well i'm glad someone slept good. i'm pretty sure i was sleeping on a tree root or something. that and i was getting the draft because the blanket was never actually touching my body because i was the one sleeping in the middle. so of course i told db i needed the human blanket. he solved that and i tried not to shiver so much to make him want to not sleep on me. cola woke up and said it was cute how we were cuddled so close to each other. i told her it was because we were both freezing to death. i inched my way closer to her during the night too. i knew if i got close enough to her then db would move closer to me and i would at least have some heat on either side of me. 

but it's morning and we realize we must've been much drunker than we thought because we're like a foot away from the lake. how fucking stupid is that? if i ever wake up in the middle of the night, i can't see shit because my contacts are so dried out so i stumble around for a good ten minutes. good thing neither of us woke up and stumbled into the lake! that and there were all kinds of slugs in my shoes. how gross is that? who even knows how they got there. we rolled home and we both decided the story was too funny to keep to ourselves so when my mom asked where the two of us have been all night, we actually told her. i told cola the story was too good. she would probably think it was a lie anyway.

i'm wondering if db thinks i'm a slut. whatever. i don't think anything of him and he's no better than me so i doubt he thinks anything either. he can't judge me because first it was his fucking idea and second, he did it too.

and all i can think of ever now is wondering if this guy and i have more chemistry than me and baby steve. and the whole time i was with DB i was thinking how baby steve is better. i'm all kinds of fucked up in my head!

LOVELOVELOVE

so it's definitely been awhile since i've written in my blog. i've abandoned it a bit i hate to say. 

before i get into any of my own maddness, listen to this...
my brother swiped movies from my room. he comes running in the house desperately searching for this movie. he confesses that the girl he likes is sleeping over the neighbor's house and they wanted to watch a movie. so i tell him we'll look to see what i have. i notice first thing that he's already been in there and he's already swiped some. dead give-away, he leave the cabinet doors open and he knocked stuff over AND there are empty spaces everywhere. i'm like wtf. i start flipping out. he apologizes and says "you know how hard it is liking someone?" ha! do i? so i look through my movies. do you know how hard it is to pick out a scary/funny PG-13 movie for 14 year olds? i own some funny movies that can be somewhat scary but nothing that's not unrated or has something innappropriate for kids. it was pretty tough. he ended up bringing his own movie over there. he took some of mine over and i told him that if he forgot ANY of them then i was going to pound every single one of their faces in. i will too.

horoscope:

You could be feeling annoyed by extravagance and waste on the part of others today, but the truth is you may not have the power to decide what others do. Tightening your own belt is a matter of self discipline, and setting the example is the only way you are going to educate others.

i went over baby steve's to watch amelie. we've been wanting to watch it together for a long time and my mom was driving me crazy so i needed to get out of my house. i should've been putting more applications in but instead i put myself in a situation that i shouldn't have been in. at this point i'm not sure if i'm more disappointed or upset with myself. i think i just feel like everyone else. like a hypocrite or something. i know i'm better than this. i went over there and it was just a bad situation. as soon as i walked in the door he was all over me. wait, as soon as i pulled into the drive and was about to get out of the car, bm called. crap. i guess it was much better that he called before i walked in than after. i was wondering why he didn't call during his lunch break anyway. he ended up calling though. so i talk to him for a little bit and i made plans to hang out and then i walk into baby steve's and he's all up in my grill. i didn't even know what to do. i just kept telling him that it wasn't right or fair and couldn't happen. i like being around him but i can't stop insisting that the situation had bad news written all over it. i don't want to think of it anymore. 

while i'm still over there and am getting ready to leave because baby steve had to go to work, i keep checking my phone for the time. i'm worrying bm is going to call and i wanted to get out of there before he did. once i hit the freeway to go home, which is like two minutes away from baby steve's, bm calls. i feel guilty as shit. i should've never have been over there. i keep telling myself that i can have guy friends and i'm not going to let someone stand in the way of that but it just wasn't right. i should've known baby steve was going to act like that. so i'm talking to bm and he asks when i want to come over and i tell him that i'll pick us up something to eat and come right over. i wanted chinese so he tells me about this place he likes. there's a chinese place right by my house and it's really good; instead of going there, i drive across town to get some greasy chinese. gross. it totally stunk up my car too. double gross. on the way to his house, a total of about 30 minutes out of my way later, i'm asking myself "did i drive across town to make him happy and get what he wanted or because i felt guilty?" probably more the later. it's not that i so much as did something wrong, i just feel no better than anyone else now. like a hypocrite. i always prided msyelf on being respectful and not doing things i wouldn't want done to me. now i just feel like an asshole. i used to think taht me kissing baby steve was a signthat maybe something wasn't there with bm. i'm not so sure about that anymore. maybe it's just me being an asshole. i don't know anymore. i don't know what it is but i don't want to talk about it anymore. mabye i need to sleep on it.

and all i can think of is, does baby steve want me now because he can't have me? forbidden fruit game again? or did he realize what he lost and... well you know that bullshit excuse.

it reminds me of the yeah yeah yeah's song "NO NO NO" when she says "it's really not bad, not worse than you thought. he'll always come back as the man you dropped. he'll never come back as the man you loved." do i think that's true of baby steve? in a lot of ways, yes. but i ask myself if the guy i dropped was really that bad of a guy. can i put up with his madness? i don't know anymore.

this is my "love" horoscope:

You may not appreciate how others insist on getting personal with the questions they ask, take it as a compliment that they aren't necessarily being nosey, but that they really want to get to know YOU. Dreams and illusions, forgiveness, and an understanding of human frailties are what arouse deep feelings for you at this time.

 i don't even know what to say to that. 

i can't believe how different baby steve and bm are. how can i go from one extreme to the next? 

i'm wondering what bm wants from me. i honestly think the both of us have a guard up because we're both afraid to get hurt. me more so than him. he tries to open up and get me to do the same and i pretty much push him out. i'm not good with that kind of stuff. i'm an idiot when it comes to relationships because i don't like to talk about my feelings. mabye that's why things never work out for me. 

he's just been bringing up all this stuff about the title. is that what he wants? and he's telling me about what his friends said about me and how he hated seeing baby steve around me. how he hated to see him touch me or sit by me or try and dance with me and even push me. he said that's why he was being so loud while he was dj-ing, to get my attention. hm. jealous much? he said it wasn't jealousy. then what is it? it's like when his friends were asking abuot me he just kept telling them "hands off my kool-ade". lol. 

my brain is so scattered right now. it seems i'll have to finish this later...

LOVELOVELOVE

i can't sleep. all i can think of is the quality of people i know. people i consider my "friends". i'm ashamed of how bad a judge of character i am.  that and i'm upset that i have to give these kittens away. i feel so awful. but the kittens have to go and they have to go tomorrow. not like i have the time they deserve to take care of them anyway. someone will take them and love them. and somehow in all that mess i'm wondering about what's going to happen with this car. 

santiago said she would go to angels for animals with me tomorrow. she doesn't have driving priviledges. why should i pick her up to do what she should be doing herself? she texted me and said patriclus was only joking. please. way to stick up for your boyfriend. is that why you're making ME drive you to the animal shelter? he should be the one driving her. they should be the one taking responsibility, not me. this shouldn't be my problem. i wonder why i'm such a sucker sometimes and why i'm so stupid. maybe i'm naive or too trusting. who knows. i'm not taking her with me though. i can go myself. 

somehow i know this all has to do with mike. she said how he said something to her. bambie told me she was telling her patriclus was only joking. what a liar. i can only imagine it. she went to work and everyone attacked her for being so shady. i know mike said something and to cover her own ass and to save face in front of mike, she said he was joking and they were going to take them back. whatever. if you were going to do that, you would've done it by now. i have to remember to thank him tomorrow. i know he's the one that made her go back on this. that's so pathetic. she should be doing this because we were friends, not because some guy you want to bang is telling you what you did was shitty. i hope he sees right through her and realized she was lying to his face. how do i meet these people again?

i was talking to bambie and i think she's going to pittsburgh with me on friday. i know that baby steve said i could ride with him but that's bullshit. he should've wanted me to go with him from the start. i shouldn't feel like a last resort because none of his friends are interested in going. this is why i should stop talking to him. he always makes me feel like i'm not good enough. maybe i need to just get over it. i knew he was never going to date me anyway. i guess none of that matters. i just don't want to feel horrible about myself just about everytime i see him. hopefully that feeling will pass in time.

my mom made the mistake of referring to him as my boyfriend today. i told him he is not and will never be my boyfriend. i told her he was an idiot. she thinks i'm mean to him anyway. i tell her he deserves it. i'm up and down so much when it comes to that. next subject...

the bank called me and told me they wouldn't give me a loan. not even with a cosigner. thanks. my dad said the bank only gives money to people who don't need it. when did that ever do any good? so i decided that i'm taking all my money out and closing the account. when they ask me why, i'm going to say "you wouldn't give me a loan so i'm not going to give you my business. give me my money. screw you." but i went to the dealership and hopefully they're going to finance the car for me. i can only wait to find out. and for some reason what still worries me is the fact that i have yet to drive it. i'm sure it will be fine. i'm trying to keep reminding myself that everything always works out in the end. it doesn't always make sense but one day it will. 

now an attempt to calm my mind and go to sleep...

LOVELOVELOVE

JONES soda said today "your luck will completely change today." thanks.

i was all worried something was up with baby steve. it was. all along i've been holding back because i was tired of feeling and looking like a fuck buddy and then he's the one who says that it should stop or whatever. he's the one to say that he feels like it's getting to be like i'm his girlfriend too much. who's fault is that? maybe i shouldn't push blame. 

i knew this was going to happen. i'm just upset with myself because i was so furious that i broke down for a second and started crying. i wasn't crying because he didn't want to be my boyfriend; that's probably what he was thinking. i broke down because there were so many things i wanted to say to him and i couldn't get it out. i should've at least told him that i knew deep down that it wasn't going to ever happen. it would've happened by now if it was.

i really don't want to talk about it. 

he assumes so much that isn't true. this is why i wanted to talk to him outside of work. people kept interrupting or he wouldn't listen and nothing ever gets said. if we're at work i have an escape route. if we would've talked somewhere else, i would've been forced to get everything out. none of this matters anymore.

i'm not sure if we'll be friends. the saying goes "you can never do right by someone after you've stopped sleeping with them." well how can you? things are going to be awkward because if i don't make them out to be, he will. and this is why you don't mess around with people you work with. now that it's all over, i still have to look at him five days a week. this is great. 

i tell everyone that you have to make yourself happy before anyone else. when is the last time i was happy? i'm pretty sure that ever since he broke up with his girlfriend, it's all been a brain warping attempt to try and figure out every single little meaning behind every stupid action. how dumb. i was trying to make him happy before myself. i told him my bad week had nothing to do with the serotonin leak. i told him that i've felt this way for awhile; that i wasn't happy with my life. i think i need to change that. i'm about to focus on myself. i texted DB today and told him i wanted to talk to him. i think i'll call him tomorrow even though i'm not sure what we'll talk about. i hate to bother him with my troubles that really don't even matter at all. i'm sure somehow he'll make things better though.

LOVELOVELOVE




 

i swear i'm bipolar. or i just look for things to be wrong. i take the dumbest things and i overanalyze them and drive myself nuts. i'm convinced things with baby steve were fine and then dare asks who he's going to snuggle with and i expected him to point to me or something. nope. he says he thinks he's going to bring a couple people. of course i look into that. i ask him about it later. i ask who he's going with. he said he didn't know yet. i asked if he wasn't going to go with me. he said he thought i was going to take spazzmatic. i told him i was going to BRING her but i wanted to GO with him. i was saying i want to bring my friend but i want to be with you. duh! he just shrugs it off and says we'll see. WE'LL SEE WHAT?!

i guess this is my own fault. i'm the one pulling back and just not my usual self that's into him. i don't know what my deal is. i think i thought that if i denied him a little it would bring the chase back and it would be fun for him all over again and maybe it would actually go somewhere this time. i guess we've done that one too many times and it's not going to work like that anymore. so what was plan B again? instead i think i freaked him out and he thinks i'm not into him or something. i don't know. he showed up to barley's surprisingly. hmm. he was trying to tease me today at work and i was in a grumpy mood so i kind of brushed him off. my bad. i eventually asked him what was up. he didn't know what i was talking about. i told him things were different or he was being weird; something like that. he asked how and i couldn't tell him and he asked when and i said since recently. he must hate how vague i am all the time. so before i left work, since i was convinced something was wrong, i told him that i wanted to talk to him. he told me to talk and i told him i wanted to talk on his day off. i didn't want to talk at work or on the phone. i wanted to talk to him in person. i don't even know exactly what i want to talk about. i guess i just want to find out if we're on the same page. i want to know where he's standing now-a-days. he asked me what i wanted to talk about and i told him i didn't want to talk about it at work. i couldn't talk to him there. he told me to at least give him a heads up with what it's about. i wouldn't. [he must hate that about me. i would.] i told him it wasn't anything bad. he looked freaked out. i told him i wasn't going to throw anything on him out of nowhere. i told him it was cool; i just wanted to talk to him. i know this talk will never happen. i get the impression he's going to try and avoid it at whatever cost. i don't even know what i'm going to say or how i'm going to say it. i don't want him to panic and say something he doesn't mean; like something he thinks i want to hear or match what he thinks i'm going to say. this is so fucked up. but i don't want to do the same thing. he seemed freaked out but i gave him a hug before i left. i ended up coming back and he gave me a hug before he left and i poked his peeper and he said i was out of control while he tried to hide the fact that he was laughing. 

cola and i went to applebee's and we see this kid jake. we know him through andy. we made him come over and talk to us and had a good time talking to him. he was talking about going to upie. it turns out cola is going to meet him between her class or something one day and i said i wanted to go but wasn't invited. she told me i should've said something. i suppose. excuse me for being old fashioned and wanting a invitation. she told me to come down but i have to work. i ended up calling baby steve and i guess he's going to go down too. now i'm REALLY jealous. now to the bigger point... i wonder if i'm pushing baby steve away because things are getting too serious or intimate or however you want to put it. i can't imagine that i'm losing interest but if i wasn't, why was i interested in going somewhere with jake? why did i want jake to come over and talk to us? oh boy. now i'm trying to analyze my own actions. this is pathetic. 

i talked so much i'm sure i didn't realize i've gone crazy. didn't catch my bloody nose or that my heart tried to explode...

LOVELOVELOVE